I thought being an adult actually meant something, but all it means is more of the same...just older. It is a never ending cycle. I thought leaving high school meant for once not feeling like I was a little girl in clothes to old and mature for me while everyone else was 10 feet taller than me. Once I hit college. That was it. I was on eye level with everyone else. We were all older and mature. No more HS bullshit to listen to. My first mistake. I feel down that rabbit hole quickly, and I did just that. I landed on my face in a strange world that I never even imagined.
Finally, I put my mask on and blended in. And that was it. It was graduation time. Again my imagination took over and I thought about how nice Grad school was going to be. But the Red Queen had different ideas for me. Including ruining my life. The denial into my PhD program due to my application being incomplete was just the final, "off with her head."
So I started my new life away from the Mad Hatter, and at first it was an amazing reality. But then, I hopelessly missed wonderland. I went into my own downward spiral and life was to blame. Bills, health issues, no work benefits, a mortgage and rent, utilities on two places and no money in my pocket or a savings at the end of the month. Ends were just barely meeting, and some months they didn't at all and I just had to be late and take the penalty.
I am and always will be a failure...but at least I kept it to myself...until now. Why write this all out for whoever to read? If it can help make just one person not feel alone in all of this...it is worth it. Hell maybe someone will even feel a bit better about their miserable life, or even bitch to me about how good I have it!
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