My biggest regret is leaving you in your most vulnerable state. I held your hand through it all, then in the end with that one ragged breath I lost my strength. You were the strongest person I knew and I didn't want to remember you like that. I didn't want to see your pain and your struggle in your last moments, so I left you. Turns out I was the weak one that day. What I perceived as a struggle, was more of a sign of relief. It was shortly after that that you slipped away into a quiet eternal sleep and I wasn't there to say goodbye.
That is my biggest regret. Then.... then the guilt was awful. A heavy weight, not because I didn't want to see you go...more of the relief it had happened and there was no struggle. It was like a ton of cold, wet mud had been poured up to my chest. Every breath I took became harder and harder.
I still miss you everyday, and sometimes.....the mud comes back.
