Roark Photography

https://www.facebook.com/KRoarkPhotography

How does a watercolor fit in with charcoals?

Exactly. It doesn't. Take a picture in grayscale. What do you have? A more boring emo copy of the original. They forced the color out of me, and call it art. Everyday I wait...trying to find a way to let my colors shine. Tick Tock.....there is only so much one can take.

My Biggest Regret and Greatest Relief

My biggest regret is leaving you in your most vulnerable state. I held your hand through it all, then in the end with that one ragged breath I lost my strength. You were the strongest person I knew and I didn't want to remember you like that. I didn't want to see your pain and your struggle in your last moments, so I left you. Turns out I was the weak one that day. What I perceived as a struggle, was more of a sign of relief. It was shortly after that that you slipped away into a quiet eternal sleep and I wasn't there to say goodbye.

That is my biggest regret. Then.... then the guilt was awful. A heavy weight, not because I didn't want to see you go...more of the relief it had happened and there was no struggle. It was like a ton of cold, wet mud had been poured up to my chest. Every breath I took became harder and harder.

I still miss you everyday, and sometimes.....the mud comes back.

Feeling 10 feet small

I thought being an adult actually meant something, but all it means is more of the same...just older. It is a never ending cycle. I thought leaving high school meant for once not feeling like I was a little girl in clothes to old and mature for me while everyone else was 10 feet taller than me. Once I hit college. That was it. I was on eye level with everyone else. We were all older and mature. No more HS bullshit to listen to. My first mistake. I feel down that rabbit hole quickly, and I did just that. I landed on my face in a strange world that I never even imagined.

Finally, I put my mask on and blended in. And that was it. It was graduation time. Again my imagination took over and I thought about how nice Grad school was going to be. But the Red Queen had different ideas for me. Including ruining my life. The denial into my PhD program due to my application being incomplete was just the final, "off with her head." 

So I started my new life away from the Mad Hatter, and at first it was an amazing reality. But then, I hopelessly missed wonderland. I went into my own downward spiral and life was to blame. Bills, health issues, no work benefits, a mortgage and rent, utilities on two places and no money in my pocket or a savings at the end of the month. Ends were just barely meeting, and some months they didn't at all and I just had to be late and take the penalty.

I am and always will be a failure...but at least I kept it to myself...until now. Why write this all out for whoever to read? If it can help make just one person not feel alone in all of this...it is worth it. Hell maybe someone will even feel a bit better about their miserable life, or even bitch to me about how good I have it!